I want to write, really I do. I am just so tired.
I don’t know why?
Addie Jayne’s due date was moved up to May 23rd. I think I am due the same time as my friend in Hawaii, which is kind of cool.
I will probably be induced a week early because of my crazy winter fun in the hospital.
I’ve done this before. You know, had a baby and everything. Why is it always a little bit terrifying? You’d think I would be like, “Hey, I’m just having a baby again. No big deal.”
But every time I chicken out.
I am such a weenie.
I just keep thinking, “What if I change my mind at the end and can’t do it?”
Oh, well. I think that every time, but I just love my kids so much that I guess somehow I end up being able to do it…
Or something. It’s a miracle, for sure. The miracle is that I actually don’t chicken out.
Also, why do I no longer like to cook? I used to enjoy it but I don’t like it anymore. I just can’t get all excited. I even try to look at Pinterest to get inspired, but now it’s worse than “fitspiration.” I look at pictures of yummy recipes and instead of getting inspired I start hyperventilating because I know it’ll never be me.
I want to want it. But I don’t really want it bad enough.
Maybe it’s because everything tastes salty to me because of some weird things going on with my end of pregnancy self. (Even chocolate tastes too salty. Ick.)
Maybe I just need to be like those people that live in the Andes and live off of sunshine and water and sparkles.
(It’s true. They are documented. They eat sunshine for breakfast. They live to be like 2000 years old or something.)
Maybe it’s because I read blogs like “100 Days of REAL Food” where they spend week after week exposing the dangers in every single food item on the planet except for chia seeds and kale.
Which is depressing because I am sorry, I like a bit of agave here and there. And really, sometimes I use evaporated cane juice and sometimes we do takeout.
It’s just so hard to make food sometimes. Especially when you are not able to use one side of your body or see out of your right eye and then you start vomiting because vomiting isn’t really something that complements gourmet cooking.
But, in the spirit of trying to make this post a little less lame, I am going to share some recipes with you that I liked (of course, I changed them up a bit to make them easier).
Bibimbap Recipe (Rice Bowls, Korean style): I didn’t do fern break or soy bean sprouts because I am unauthentic. I am making this tomorrow night for the missionaries, but I will not be doing fried eggs on top (totally not authentic to leave it out), because it’s too hard. I am going to make the toppings ahead of time and just quickly reheat everything when they arrive. So, we’ll prepare everything at lunch so it’s not insanely crazy at dinnertime. It will just be crazy.
Also, I am not making bulgogi because mine never turns out right. I am just going to do some sort of eyeballing to make steak and pork taste Koreanish or Chineseish. We’re just going to call it fusion cooking, okay?
I am just saying that it still turns out well even if you don’t really know what you are doing. And also, we don’t like the red paste, so we use sriracha, so it’s not really bibimbap, it’s more like Chinese Rice Bowls with a touch of Korean. Fusion. Yes. Fusion.
I am not going to post the recipe, but I tried my best to make sweet potato fries and they were so soggy. I think I needed more cornstarch or tapioca flour to soak up the water, but they were more like sweet potato wilts. The kids still liked them, but I was sad.
My entire family now wants to plant zucchini! Why? Because we made Zucchini Crust Pizza Cups, and let me tell you they were delicious. These are not gluten free, but Kalyn’s Kitchen has an equally delicious crust recipe that is.
For pizza sauce, I didn’t have any (we have just moved here and aren’t stocked up in our pantry). I had a large can of Muir Glen organic roasted tomatoes, so I blended that in my Blendtec with Italian herbs and a bit of sugar. It was perfect. We used parmesan cheese in the crust and topped with cheddar or something.
The only problem is that I need silicone non-stick muffin cups because mine always harden in there and stick and they can’t come out in one piece, so they weren’t really cups–more like Zucchini Crust Pizza Blobs. But, oh, well. Next time I will just put them on my silicone mat and make teensy tinesy mini-pizzas so I don’t have to deal with trying to hack away in those little muffin tins. They make me angry.
But I wasn’t angry that day, in spite of them being stuck fast to the tins–because they tasted SO good that I couldn’t help but be cheerful and happy because they were just like eating happiness.
Even people who don’t eat zucchini loved them. People who have claimed a “zucchini allergy” for over two years claimed that there must have been something in the cooking process that literally changed the composition of the zucchini into something that completely annihilated the offending allergen.
It truly was the lunch of miracles, my friends.
Where am I going with this post?
Anyway, I am sitting here at Harbour Island, wondering why I am here, and enjoying the sound of rain and the smell of magnolia and jasmine and honey in the air. It’s beautiful. But, still wondering.
Also, my husband and I got in a “conversation.” Why is it that “conversations” always happen when I am ready for a little romance. He and I are so off our yin and yang and we are just too tired and I want a good, long kiss.
Not happenin’ tonight, ladies. So instead I am writing about wilty sweet potato fries and my inexplicable fear of childbirth. I am not really afraid, just afraid enough to make it feel scary.
I also am right now at this instant dealing with some decisions I need to make (along with the 23,000 other things that Need To Be Done Before I Am Utterly Hopelessly Behind), about Very Important Things. Things that affect lives.
Have you ever been in a position where you think something and you do something about it and then you wonder that maybe it wasn’t the best way? Maybe you weren’t really thinking straight? But what if there were things that were right about what you did? What if you don’t know how to figure it out? What if you are afraid to pray–not because you might be wrong–but because you might have been even a little right? What if you feel like you aren’t sure of things and you are in a situation where you are being gently pushed into having to look things straight on and make a decision one way or the other. And you really don’t know and it’s very complicated. Real life complicated, not which craft do I decide on for Relief Society complicated.
And what if that affects a lot of people?
What if you do it wrong?
Well, I don’t like that kind of situation, and I am not good at it, and I have no idea what to do. I am trying to pray and ponder but I need something more. So I have taken on the spirit of the fast and I am going to ask for a blessing…I would go to the temple, but I am not sure if that’s a good health choice for my physical body right now. I just want to do good and bring honor and joy to my Father and my Older Brother.
I rarely get that one right.
Who is to think I’ll get it right this time, on something so big?
Ah, well. Most of the greatest decisions in the world have been made by people who are just like you and me, just trying to do their best and relying on God’s greater wisdom.
We’ll see how I do. I am not feeling particularly confident.
Thank you so much for your prayers for my friend and her daughter, Victoria. She has felt them. She will actually be visiting here with her family in a week. I am so happy that I can be somewhere she can stay to relax and find joy with her family during this difficult time for her. Thanks to all my friends for your sweet prayers!
I have a homeschool post coming soon–I feel a lot more “with it” with that topic than any of the ones I have tackled in this thoroughly lame post.
What’s funny is that it’s kind of a pun, because I am writing it from bed because I can’t walk right now because I can’t use the right leg to stand. So, I am writing a lame post and at the same time I am literally LAME. Ha. Ha. Smiley face. I am so doggone funny!!
Ha! I just realized that I made a joke without intending to! I am a lame genius and funny. Now I know what I can tell myself in labor:
Yes, everything will be just fine!
I think I will try to Netflix or Amazon Instant Video my way out of having to make a decision about things tonight. Not quite ready for it. Probably a lame choice, but I am probably not totally accountable since I am temporarily lame.
Maybe I can get on my walker and find my husband and I can reunite with a long, passionate kiss before bedtime and then I will be much better able to feel the spirit. Since I am a genius, I can tell you that I have a 17.24% chance of that happening.
But who knows? With a little faith and prayer (and if I can find the walker!), I think it could happen. It could be a night of miracles.
Until then, goodnight beautiful world!