I am happily settled into my condo with all of my many loves so very close to me that I can almost hear all of them breathing at night from my room. Actually, most nights, they stay up far longer than I do, talking and giggling and goofing around until long after I am coherent.

Y9

Y9

At first I thought it was ironic that we were in “Building Y” as in “Why did I think this was a good idea?” But, I have come to appreciate it.

I am thankful that we are on the third floor because it is great physical therapy for me. Sure, there are no fireworks at the end of the day, but there is something absolutely spectacular about a full moon rising over mountains. It’s ethereal and full of a kind of mystery that makes my heart beat faster and makes me feel like I am part of it–the moon, the mountains, the rocks….the earth.

Moonrise Over Timp

Moonrise Over Timp

Whenever I have to make a 27 point turn to get my 15 passenger van into the little covered parking space in the very compact parking lot of buildings W, X, Y , and Z, I wonder if it isn’t preparing me for a future in parking 747s at the airport or something. Who knows?

I miss my special things. All of our belongings are in storage until September.

I wonder if Moses or Miriam ever missed their special things they left behind.

Not because they were materialistic, but because there is a comfort in using your favorite knife to chop vegetables every day, in seeing the same pictures on the wall…in knowing that if you ever need a friend or an adventure, your books are right around the corner, tucked quietly into their snug little bookshelves, just waiting for you.

I am glad I am here because I think it’s time for me to settle. I am feeling grown up–like it’s time for me to quit going on adventures and be the one that is home.

Maybe I am feeling old.

Daydreaming...

Daydreaming…

I have always been the one to jump at the chance to go sailing on some uncharted course–to walk forward in the dark, excited at the prospect of undiscovered country. I have always had it in me–some inexplicable urge to journey on….

I feel like I am making the transition from trying to be the hero to being the round, kindly woman who has a warm bed and a hot meal for the wayfaring travelers who are going to save the world.

I am such a romantic idealist. My husband is, too. We got married and wanted to do Something Amazing.

Now, we just want to be Home.

I am coming to realize that perhaps I never really was meant to be a hero. Perhaps I was always meant to be what I am becoming….

What I Thought I Was. Home Sweet Home, Samantha Shirley

What I Thought I Was. Home Sweet Home, Samantha Shirley

It’s hard to realize that I am not the heroine I thought I was. I really thought I was going to be forever young and forever impetuous, forever wanting to be close to the center of, well, everything.

But, the years and the children and the living and the dying and…well, the realness of everything–it has burned off the pride and the self-deception and left me with nothing but my core. And my core is not what I had daydreamed, and my goals and wishes and hopes were silly when I take into account who I really am.

I am sitting in Y9.

Y9

Y9

It’s not very heroic, is it?

I’m not climbing Everest, or making quilts, or advocating for….anything. I am not even politically active right now. I have not posted even one status on Facebook about the president or education or even evil Monsanto.

I am concentrating on clean sheets and warm beds. Hot meals and kind words. On prayers and hugs and figuring out why this little person is sad today and why that bigger person isn’t talking much at dinner.

I am trying to purge our family of our whining and pride.

Mostly, I am trying to purge it in me, because when it’s gone in me, it has a tendency to be gone in my children. It hurts me to admit that, but it is the truth.

Climbing Mother, Brian Kershisnik

Climbing Mother, Brian Kershisnik

I want to move into our new home with nothing left but my core. I want to walk through the door and be completely comfortable in my role as Mother–and not the mom who is battling dragons and wandering the world.

I want to walk through the door and leave behind the little girl who thought she was the main character, and be the Woman who knows she is best suited as the comic relief, the best friend, the keeper of secrets and keeper of the castle.

Home, Kim Berggren

Home, Katie Berggren

The Woman who knows she will never be the center of attention but will always be the center of comfort and healing…the Woman who can be brave enough to look herself in the eye and admit she doesn’t need to be what she once wanted, but what she is destined to be.

I am sitting in Y9, wondering if I will be ready.

I am sitting here wondering if I can somehow conquer the many days when I sneak off to the laundry room to have a good cry.

Wondering if I can become settled with my core. Wondering if I can accept me for who I really am.

We can do no great things–only small things with great love.

I used to think I knew what that meant. I am only beginning to realize and understand what it means to do small things with great love.

Mother and Child

Mother and Child

The clean sheets, the warm beds…the sleepless nights when I am drawn by necessity to the throne of God, completely bare in my weakness, crying in faith that He will give me what I need to be true to what I really am….

Prayerful Nights

Prayerful Nights

I am an armour bearer. Every time I notice a lonely look, a trembling lip and respond with a listening heart and warmth and kindness and good, every time I say no to something that will distract me, I am giving my loves the greatest protection they could ever have to go out and face the evil that threatens them–love and a sense of Home.

She Will Find What Is Lost, Brian Kershisnik

She Will Find What Is Lost, Brian Kershisnik

There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives – the pain, the loneliness.
We must have the courage to recognize it. 
The poor you may have right in your own family.
Find them. Love them. –Mother Teresa

What if that is all I am supposed to do? What if it terrifies me that it is so simple, yet seems so unfathomable and impossible–to simply love them? To have the courage to see the loneliness in my family and simply be Home–to comfort and cheer and heal?

But then, there is God in the night after the wakeful prayers and the long wrestling, and He tells me that this is my destiny.

To find them and love them. Even if I have to find them over and over again.

I hope I am brave enough to be who I really am.

Maybe in a way, that is the most heroic thing of all to do–to be what God wants instead of what you thought you wanted. To bow and to bend and not be ashamed…

To Bow and To Bend...

To Bow and To Bend…

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be free,
‘Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when you find yourselves in the place just right,
‘Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
‘Til by turning, turning we come ’round right.

‘Tis the gift to be simple, ’tis the gift to be true,
‘Tis the gift to labor ’til the day is through.
And when you find yourself in the place so fine,
‘Twill be in the cool of the birch and the pine.
When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
‘Til by turning, turning we come ’round right.

‘Tis the gift to be joyful, ’tis the gift to be free,
‘Tis the gift, ’tis the gift, ’tis the simple gift to be!
And when you find yourself filled with pure delight,
The gift to be simple has led you aright.
When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan’t be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,
‘Til by turning, turning we come ’round right.