Lately, I have been feeling like I am in front of one of those magnifying mirrors under flourescent lighting. Only instead of it being one for my face, it’s a full length mirror.
It’s not pretty.
I feel like I am not only seeing imperfections I was very well aware I had, but I am also seeing blemishes and ugliness that I didn’t even know existed as part of me.
The other day, for example, I freely admitted out loud to my friend that I don’t like M_____, I just said, “You know, I really don’t like her. I’ve tried to, and I just can’t. What is wrong with me?”
And I have thought about it for two weeks. How can I just not like someone?
I tried to blame it on the blood moon and Mercury retrograde, but to be honest, this has been going on for some time.
I finally realized that it’s not that I don’t like M____, I just don’t trust her.
There is a difference. I don’t trust her with my heart because my intuition, or my little spark, or maybe even the spiritual part of me, has warned me not to trust her. I am sure there are plenty of other people who can trust her.
And it doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with either one of us, it just means we probably aren’t compatible. Or something.
I don’t know why it bugged me so much. I think it’s because I naturally just want to trust everyone, but that’s really not something we can do. And sometimes I forget that I can love someone without trusting someone.
But, how come it took me like four years to figure this out? Seriously, I’ve been feeling guilty about not liking her for that long, and now I realize that I like her just fine.
I’m so dysfunctional sometimes.
And I just have this problem of being cranky when things don’t go my way. I have been cranky all October and it has been ELEVEN DAYS.
October is my favorite month, but it’s not my favorite this year and I am trying to convince myself that it is, but it isn’t.
And the weather is perfect and the leaves are beautiful and I live in the best place for October (outside of Tetonia, Idaho, that is), and I am just being so ridiculously whiney.
And then people write me to ask me to write about homeschooling, and I’m like,
“Seriously? I am kind of making this up as I go along. I mean, there is a general ‘plan’ but it’s pretty general….we’re just kind of flying by the seat of our homeschool pants.”
And then I panic because to me, it’s not really that complicated, so then I start thinking,
“What if my homeschool is not complicated enough to be successful? What if I am doing it wrong because I am not worried about it all the time? I don’t even want to go to a seminar or a conference or a curriculum fair. Obviously, maybe something isn’t right. It can’t be this easy! Everyone else is freaking out about it, and what if I should be, too?!?!?!?!?”
I am not being very grateful that our house is never going to be finished. I am going to be homeless for the holidays. Waaaaaah. Poor me. Why don’t I get a waaambulance?
Seriously. I am being a gigantic baby.
And I finally did a real walk. A real live for real exercising walk.
It was four days ago and I still feel like I am dying.
It was exhilarating, though. There was one point where I seriously thought they might have to call a helicopter to get me off the mountain.
My friend wasn’t even breathing abnormally. I sounded like I needed oxygen.
My legs still hurt. And I am seriously thinking about getting those old people walking cane/sticks. I don’t even feel embarrassed about that. Shouldn’t I feel embarrassed?
I am tired of trying to make salad.
I ordered Pizza Hut for my kids twice this week. I now know my belief system in organic healthy food can be compromised by living in a three bedroom condo for four months.
Am I that unsteady? Where is my integrity?
I don’t want to hear about more things I need to do so I can be happy. I just want to be happy without having to do anything today.
My children asked a question about Halley’s Comet today and I told them I had seen it when I was younger.
And then I realized that maybe I won’t be around to see it a second time.
It’s supposed to be here again in 2061. I thought how my kids will see it, but maybe I won’t. And I definitely won’t see it when it comes around after that.
It made me feel incredibly small and insignificant and kind of melancholy for a moment. I really had this brief thought that I wanted to rebel against death and mortality and not being here for Halley’s Comet. And why does the universe have to be so immense? Why does it have to make me feel so inconsequential?
And then, I remembered that I am not really going to be gone in the way that it felt like for that moment. I will still exist and I will see Halley’s Comet. Just from a different vantage point. But, really, it made me feel homesick somehow.
One of my dear, old friends knows how I feel and says it better than I could:
O ME! O life!… of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me; 5
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.
And as Mr. Whitman whispers to me, I feel a stirring in the part of myself that I believe is made of stardust, and I feel part of myself yearning toward the heavens and wanting to shake off the foolishness of my worries and all of the silly minutiae that have been distracting my mind from really living.
And I realize that it’s okay to have a bad day–or even a bad eleven days–as long as I remember that I am part of this amazing play!
Maybe this act is the one where I am going to be cranky and then shake it off in time for intermission.
Most importantly, I think I just need to be patient with myself and take a deep breath and look up.
Because I just found out that, even though Halley won’t return until 2061, this month, part of what used to be the comet will be showering the night sky.
It’s almost like Heaven was giving me some encouragement, don’t you think?