Mostly, I feel…awkward.
You know, like I look at myself in the mirror and I think, “Okay, so now what?”
I feel like I have decided to move on. Go forward. Sail the ocean of possibilities. But, I expected something else.
I guess I thought I would suddenly feel more wise, more like I had the answers, more centered…but I don’t really feel very different.
I wanted to feel like I was more…and I feel like I am less.
When I was in between worlds, I felt even more…less. There was nothing between who I really am and Heaven. I was not hiding anything. I was completely and utterly myself.
There were no excuses or reasons why. There was no hiding behind walls. There was nothing but the reality of who I am…all of me, even the parts that aren’t so lovely.
And when I came back, those layers and walls and hiding didn’t come back with me. When I woke up again, I was still me, but without all of that extra stuff.
Kind of like when Eustace Scrubb was un-dragoned by Aslan, only it was terrifying because I hadn’t minded being covered with armor and scales and dragon-ness.
I liked hiding behind it.
There were lots of things I didn’t like about myself, and Heaven told me that I needed to embrace those things.
Heaven wanted me to accept the things about me that were kind of weird and maybe a little dysfunctional, because they were innately what made me, me.
Heaven explained that the sooner I began accepting that, the deeper I would become–and as I became deeper and lighter I would love more deeply and better….and that is what life is all about–loving.
I did finally give up the idea of being a marine biologist and swimming in oceans, seeing as how I can’t even make it three feet into the water without being completely convinced that sharks are swarming me. Or poisonous jellyfish. Or giant squid. It’s terrifying.
I also gave up the idea of being a famous actress.
But, there is so much of me that’s swirling around–so many different textures and colors and pieces of me that are all so different. And I’ve learned to live with them now. And I’ve learned to accept them.
I guess it’s scary to me to even attempt to manage the beautiful chaos that seems to be my soul.
Even with the help of angels.
I used to think that the whole point of my existence here on planet earth was to be good and go back to Heaven.
But, honestly, I don’t think I really understood how that was supposed to work.
And I thought I kind of had a grasp on what I was doing.
I thought I was On My Way.
It has taken me a long time to process what I felt and saw and learned while I was in between worlds, but I am finally starting to grasp it.
And in the meantime, I have felt kind of adrift, neither here no there, and not really understanding either place.
My near death was messy and painful and the amazing, beautiful, miraculous parts were hard for me to understand.
But, I guess I needed time to really look at things with my heart.
And, so, I sit here thinking about how I thought I was doing okay, and maybe I was, but I can’t do what I did before and have it be okay now.
Now, I realize that the way I become more like God is to embrace myself, shamelessly and without reserve. No walls, no filter.
No, just me.
I am also exposing myself to the world. Anyone who meets me gets to see me in all my glory.
But in accepting myself this way, I am able to help in doing God’s work: taking chaos, taking something that is really kind of messy, and creating something…beautiful.
It took me awhile to realize that I am not here to gain my worth, I was born with it. I came here to take part in perfecting the creation that is my soul.
I didn’t really realize that all the stuff I was supposed to do, all the good things and commandments and everything–I don’t think I really “got it.” I don’t think I understood that it was just a way to try and help me feel more at home with myself.
Because me, I am made of stardust and glory and Heaven.
And that’s Home.
The other parts of me that I feel awkward about or sometimes even ashamed of….my propensity for opening my mouth when it should be shut, my ineffectual attempts at washboard abs (I don’t know where my abs are, to be honest. I don’t even know if I have any left…), my inability to focus, my ineptitude at crafting….my extreme dislike of raccoons…
The list could go on and on, but in the end, all of those things I can, with God’s help, transform into something good and wonderful.
Somehow, God has a way of converting it all into something that still contains the me-ness without the bad.
Opening my mouth when it should be shut? There are actually times when everyone would say “Be quiet,” but someone SHOULD say something. And that someone could theoretically always be me.
The trick is doing those “good” things so I am wise enough and listening close enough to Heaven to know when the time is right to open my mouth.
And if I didn’t have my fiery impetuousness I might not be brave enough to say something when it truly needs to be said.
My unreasonable fear of raccoons? Not sure yet how it can be transformed, but I will get there.
My inability to make crafts may very well be a blessing because if I were good at it I would be too easily distracted becoming wealthy from my amazing craftiness that I would not pay attention to the Bigger Picture.
And being easily distracted is also related to being highly creative.
And that is something I can definitely do.
I can create.
Not artwork or furniture or songs or recipes or anything like that, but I can create human beings.
And I can create feelings.
And I can create a home.
And I can become at Home with myself.
And that’s what I am here to do.
I just think I looked at all the parts of myself that seem so…eccentric and mismatched…and I became overwhelmed.
Because there is always that little part of me that doubts.
What if it’s impossible to create anything remotely beautiful out of all of this? What if it is just a pile of rocks and will never be a cathedral?
Sometimes I almost feel as if my soul were made of spare parts that got thrown together.
But, that’s not true.
Every part is essential, I just need to uncover the beauty of it and let go of any of the ugliness.
I was made this way on purpose because God knows I can be glorious.
And I guess it’s good just to write about it. To get it out there. To let you know that after all I’ve been through I realize that I will be the greatest masterpiece I ever work on.
And it’s really terrifying.
And I bet there are more people out there who feel sometimes…eccentric. Odd. Awkward. Weird. Different. Inferior. A mess…
Maybe we all even feel like that sometimes.
And, I am a lot like Eustace Scrubb. Mr. Lewis described me so accurately when he wrote:
It would be nice, and fairly nearly true, to say that “from that time forth Eustace was a different boy”. To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy. He had relapses. There were still many days when he could be very tiresome. But most of those I shall not notice. The cure had begun.
I have relapses from when I first realized I could be stripped of almost everything and be okay with it. Sometimes I wish I could put my walls back up, but it is no use. The unfiltered, real me is what I am now. And I am sometimes embarrassed by myself. But, I will keep trying. The cure has begun, and eventually, I hope I can truly be divine.
As one of my favorite philosophers once said:
… perfection is finally attained not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away … –Antoine De Saint Exupery