On Friday, I enter my last trimester of pregnancy, more than likely for the last time.
It has gone by really fast, but that’s mostly probably because I am old, and 9 months is not very long when I think that something that happened 5 years ago happend “just the other day.”
So, I am entering in the last little bit where things get so bad that you really don’t mind if you have to go through labor because you think, “Anything is better than this.”
Which really isn’t technically all the way true, because then the baby is born and it’s kind of even worse in the fourth trimester, which is when you just feel fat and hormonal and so very, very tired and leaky and icky.
I wonder some days if I really am “done” with having babies. I think I am, but I’ve thought that before. Most people today would probably think, “Well, you know you can stop that, right?”
But, John and I have this weird way of family planning which involves a lot of intuition and spirituality, which usually leads us to having another baby.
After all, we don’t want to miss anyone.
Sometimes, when people tell me that I need to “get on with my life,” or they say “you need to take care of you,” or whatever, I think that maybe they are right.
Maybe I’m not taking care of me…maybe I need to get on with my life, a life that wouldn’t involve diapers and saying no to trips and opportunities because we have babies at home.
Maybe I’m almost at that part, where I will no longer be looking for deals on bulk diapers, or running out of baby wipes, or potty training or…whatever.
Of course, today is not that day.
Also, can I just say that having lots of children and raising them and being a mother and trying to have a great, awesome marriage with all of this going on and everything else is actually quite terrifying?
I think that’s probably part of the reason I know it’s right.
I love doing the impossible. And what we’re doing shouldn’t really be possible–but it is.
Anything less would, at this point in my life, be…boring. Flat. Empty.
I wish I could explain to people that this–these babies, the weight gain, the swollen ankles, the constant middle of the night diaper changes and all of that other stuff–this is my Everest.
It’s my super ultimate marathon.
It’s my dream.
And, you know, the world is all about people following their dreams. Just take a look at Facebook or Pinterest. They are 95% full of quotes about chasing your dreams, following your bliss, having the courage to face your fears and overcoming obstacles….
It just so happens that my biggest dream was this.
This is my entire bucket list.
And it is more exhilarating than jumping out of an airplane or zip lining across a volcano.
You’ve never seen true terror until you’ve tried to balance the checkbook and you realize your monthly grocery bill could purchase a used car…every month.
Facing fear? Try spending time in the PICU at Primary Children’s Hospital. That brings depth, let me tell you. Climbing the Grand Teton pales in comparison.
And there is no zen like having a sleeping baby in your arms and they wrap their little fingers around your thumb…it’s nirvana.
It’s when I am in my darkest moments of despair that it is most clear that I wanted this. I wanted this like I want to breathe.
The pain and agony of mothering–and it is really painful and agonizing–makes me want it more, because I know that in the very moments of most intense, excruciating pain are when this world melts away and I see the real world…and everything is beautifully perfect.
And I know somewhere deep in my soul that even if I never gave birth to one child, I would have found a way to be a mother. It is who I am and I can’t be anything else and be true to myself.
So, I am looking forward to this last trimester, where I can go further than I thought I could, be stronger than I thought I was, and endure more than I thought I would be able to endure.
I think, in the end, whatever it is that leads us to trust in a greater power (for me, that’s God), is what we were meant to do. There is nothing that brings me closer to letting go of myself and flinging myself out in the universe and freeing myself of everything holding me back than what I am doing.
I have always believed that heaven gives us our dreams, our greatest dreams, and that when we work to make them happen, we are doing the will of heaven.
It just took me a while to realize that my real and greatest dream, I was already in it.