I had laryngitis, bronchitis, and other stuff this last week. After a trip to several doctors, I was told to go home, take some medicine and antibiotics, and go to bed.

I know I could have eaten 500 cloves of garlic and downed it with some colloidal silver, but it was easier and less smelly to take some azythromycin. I am lazy and irresponsible and like to throw away money to “big pharma.” ūüôā

So I was lying in bed, after having taken some cough medicine with codeine, and I was bored out of my mind so I decided to go on the internet and read. Usually when I am more coherent, I choose more wisely, but this time, this time I just mindlessly clicked and it was amazing what I learned.

Here are just a few things I know now that I did not know before my online educational binge:

  • What a selfie stick is, that President Obama has one and has been photographed with it (which, for me, is slightly embarrassing), and that the Smithsonian does not allow them. One more reason for me to want to visit the Smithsonian, I say.
Awkward and embarrassing to me.

Awkward and embarrassing to me. This is not a political statement. I would think it were awkward even if it were a Republican or a Libertarian or whatever.

  • Octopi are terrifying and frightening. They should be put on some sort of watchlist. It’s almost as if they are trying to take over the world.

  • It is very entertaining to visit political websites and read the commentary to find out just how ridiculous and asinine supposedly literate Americans can be.
  • Young Living, Purium, ItWorks!, Isagenix, and DoTerra can all make me look fabulous, lose weight, live to be 1000 years old,¬†improve my sex life, make me rich, and help me to discover the power within me. Also, they can make me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
  • Clocking in at ¬†13 tons of human waste piling up¬†every season, Mt. Everest comes in a close second to my house.
  • In addition to finding out that I am feeding my children toxic tortilla chips, I now have to worry about fake olive oil.
  • All of my friends who are pregnant or just had a baby look way better than I do.
  • If I choose to vaccinate, I should be shot in the street, and if I choose not to vaccinate I should be shot in the street. If I have no opinion on vaccinations, I should also be shot in the street.
  • Videos of kittens, hummingbirds and people acting like normal decent human beings should make me an emotional basket case. Example: “This toddler falls down at the park. What happens next will make you sob as if you just watched the end of Steel Magnolias!!!!!!!!!” Am I really supposed to¬†completely break down when¬†the mother picks up the toddler and gives her a kiss and a bandaid?
  • If I lived in a normal neighborhood, I could be threatened to be shot by the police and thrown in jail if I let any of my children under 13 walk to the park all alone, thanks to all the “helpful” neighbors calling 911. Because THAT is an emergency.
  • I could be color blind or have a 4th cone or something because I saw a picture of a white and gold dress.
  • It is possible to transport a horse in a car instead of the typical horse trailer.

  • According to my Facebook friend, April, you start to feel like “crap, I am OLD” at the age of 27.
  • This month, I am supposed to raise my awareness of: puppies, books, social workers, British pie, salt, Pi, doctors, horse protection, meteorology, butchers, sleep, skipping, water and kidneys.
  • Dirt can make me happy.
  • Apparently, even though it may appear in photos that woodpeckers and weasels have a close, loving friendship, in reality, weasels are just trying to kill them.
Not As It Seems: This Is Actually A Killer Weasel

Not As It Seems: This Is Actually A Killer Weasel

  • In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that in February in the northeast United States, it snows. And is cold.
  • My neighborhood is full of celebrities. One of my neighbors will have artwork in a prestigious art show, another’s grandson just debuted forecasting weather on the local news, another crossed the Antarctic on a bike, and another is a real life abolitionist and hero. I can give you tours of our star studded neighborhood for a small fee.
Reflection, by Kristal, My Neighbor, featured in the Woodbury Art Show

Reflection, by Kristal, My Neighbor, featured in the Woodbury Art Show

My neighbor’s grandson, doing the weather.

My neighbor is the guy in the parka.

My neighbor is the guy in the parka. He crossed the Antarctic on a bicycle.

Tim Is My Neighbor. And A Real-Life Hero.

Tim Is My Neighbor. And A Real-Life Hero.

I will here take a moment to encourage anyone who loves music and hates slavery and sex trafficking to consider attending the benefit concert coming up on March 14th¬†at Utah Valley University¬†featuring Alfie Boe, Larry King, Jenny Oaks Baker, Lexie Walker, and lots of other awesome people to help with Operation Underground Railroad. It’s for a great cause, so feel free to go even if you hate music.

Yes, I am talking about you, Chris.

I am glad I am feeling better now. I don’t have time to tell you how I also learned that with just some flour, 100 pounds of cheese, a few other ingredients and six hours of my life that I can never get back, I can make homemade goldfish crackers, but that’s for another post.

Have a great day, and watch out for octopi and flying weasels.