I am all over the place with my thoughts today and I don’t even know if I should attempt writing, but you all are my friends, so I will share my very odd and eccentric mind with you.
I have been able to spend more time on Facebook this last week because I am on bedrest and I was bored and distracted and since I did that and have time to get it written down, I think something must be said about the dream of looking great, feeling great, being financially “free” and being “fit.”
I don’t know what happened, but it seems like lots of people I am following on my “feed” are really excited about cleansing drinks and wraps and oils and looking great and feeling great and having health and wealth.
Which is great for all of them, but I am starting to feel a little pressure. Probably because I usually don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook, but still–it feels like everyone wants me to be healthy and wealthy and fit and wrapped and cleansed and covered in oil and INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!
Not because my friends are pushy. They aren’t. They are actually pretty classy about the whole thing, but still…seeing so much of it really does seem to exert some kind of pressure. It’s probably mostly in my head, but there it is.
But, really, I don’t want to be wealthy. I have enough problems already.
And I don’t want any more opportunities. And I don’t want to look younger or feel better.
I do not feel bored and I don’t feel unfulfilled and I don’t even really feel like going on trips or buying a new car or paying off my mortgage right now.
For now, I am pretty content with my financial bondage and having to stay home life. I actually like being home and not going anywhere right now.
I think my motto these days is:
First of all, I am like, past 40.
I am old and I don’t want to be sexy and I don’t want to be ripped.
I know it may sound shocking, but while I do have goals for my body, they mostly involve being able to use my left side and maybe work on bladder control after I have a baby.
Those things will more than likely involve medical professionals and I am really at peace with that.
I also want to lose weight, because hello, I am very, very round.
But, I don’t want to lose lots of weight. Here is my fitspiration:
I also have decided that I don’t want to do the supplement thing. It’s too hard for me.
Honestly, maybe it’s the brain damage, but there is no way I can remember to take supplements.
I forget about the magic powder that’s going to CHANGE MY LIFE and I also cannot be consistent with tinctures, oils, or even Vitamin D, for heaven’s sake.
I don’t know why this is. It’s easier for me to remember to make a green smoothie. And I’d rather chug down a green smoothie than pretend some nutrition bar tastes just like cookie dough or fudge.
Because it doesn’t.
It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to spend money on things I will forget to use. Or that take any amount of extra effort.
Making healthy meals is more fun and I don’t forget to do that because my children remind me constantly that they need to eat.
Obviously all of my friends who do oils and powders and nutritional supplements are probably feeling truly sad for me right now, because they are all thinking how much better I would feel, how much more energy I would have…how all of these things would make my life AMAZING!!!!!!
And I love that it works for them, and I am happy that they are happy, but it’s just not me.
I don’t want to spend money on more stuff because I am happy and content.
And AMAZING!!!!!! probably isn’t realistic for me 24/7.
Sometimes I think bad days and low energy and sad feelings and even pain are good for me. I don’t want 24/7 AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!
And, honestly, I think I have plenty of energy for someone who is over 40 and 9 months pregnant. For the twelfth time. I mean, I don’t really know what I would do with more energy on bedrest…probably go insane.
Also, I just don’t think I will ever feel like I am 20 again, and I think that’s okay. I am okay with it. Happy, even.
I like being a little slower. It helps me think before I act, which has always been virtually impossible for me. I don’t know that more energy would help me.
If I need more energy, I will take a nap, like other old people do.
And if that doesn’t work, I have a Chinese mother-in-law who knows more about herbs and natural remedies than anyone in the Western Hemisphere. Including DoTerra and Young Living and ItWorks! and Isagenix and everyone else.
I mean, my mother-in-law is almost 70 and she still plays at the playground and slides down the slide with my kids and she has never really used anything that she couldn’t make herself from ingredients she had on hand.
So, yeah, I am actually fine with sagging and looking old.
And, maybe other people don’t like that, but I have noticed that if I look old enough, I just become invisible to the crowd that is accustomed to eye candy. It’s like their brain cannot register the reality of me in all my glory because it would explode from being violated in such a way.
And I am content with that.
I don’t care about swimsuit season, and I don’t care if I will ever be able to run a 10K. I do want to run again, but I don’t think I need to buy anything to help me do that, outside of good food. I mean, one of my best friends has a gym in her basement and she lets me use it whenever I want, so I think I’m set.
I was thinking about that today in the shower. Why do I feel so comfortable with my fitness/energy goals when they are so far below what it appears everyone else is doing? Why don’t I want to look “hot” or whatever?
Well, I think part of it is because I have been waiting my whole life to be old so I don’t have to stress about it, and I really was looking forward to being able to let it go. 40 was the magic age I was looking for, so now I don’t want to worry about it.
And part of it is that John and I have this thing. Sure, we were slightly younger once and hot and steamy happened, but then something else happened–something that I never expected.
There came a time when we had been through so much together–death, life, and everything in between–that I could know when he was home and get sparks, even if I didn’t hear him come in.
There came a time when the butterflies came and never went away. We are almost always attracted to each other.
And, no matter what he looks like or does, there is a tangible link between us that is more powerful than distance or time and will not ever diminish, even in death.
And, really, it goes so far beyond us being a product or object…we are so far beyond whether or not something is toned or “fit” or plucked or moisturized or whatever…that stuff kind of belongs with the object that is a physical body with nothing else attached, and we cannot see each other that way.
We are not the sum of our body parts and how well maintained they are. We are one and we cannot touch each other and merely feel two bodies touching. No, it is more. It is a touch that is fueled with the sparks of stars and suns and galaxies and eternity and spirit.
That probably has something to do with it. We have connected with each other’s stardust and that is some powerful energy.
Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I need an oil or a powder or a juice or whatever.
Maybe that energy between us–the same energy that spins this galaxy and creates solar systems and suns–maybe that is all I need.
Maybe I am so caught up in that and in my children who have the energy of new life and purity that everything else is kind of anticlimactic.
I don’t know.
Tomorrow my life will change forever…again. A whole new human soul will join mortality for the first time and the earth, the universe, will never be the same. It’s going to be amazing and awesome in a very individual, quiet way.
And just like that, without anyone really even noticing, I will have changed the world, or at least started to.
Maybe I have just really begun to understand that amazingness and the greatness that is simply being present and here and free of emotional baggage and unplugged and undistracted for my family and I guess I feel like jealously guarding those precious moments–they go by (sometimes NOT quickly), and those messy, beautiful, hard moments are what really matter.
And those moments can’t happen for me if I am spending all my time trying to be MORE AMAZING!!!!!!!! or trying to feel younger or whatever.
I don’t want anything distracting me from what really, truly matters in my life, not all the wealth or possible health in the world.
I am not that great at organizing my time and staying focused. I just don’t have that gift, so I have to let go all the stuff that I think is extraneous…and almost everything is right now.
I feel good. I feel better than I have in a long time, and it is unbelievable what feeling good about oneself and feeling peaceful and close to God and nature can do for the human body.
And I didn’t find it doing yoga or going to a seminar or webinar or a cleanse or a powder or an oil. I found it by seeing and feeling my life and my soul and my body and my stardust with my heart.