It’s Christmastime. And I have decided it’s a perfect time to begin again.

So much has happened to me over the last six months.

For one, I had my very last baby. It was beautiful and bittersweet and I realized I would have never stopped having babies if there was any way that I could have. I love babies and I love children and I love the people they turn into when they grow up. I will miss that part of my life, and it was hard to come to the end of that chapter.

Peter, named after Pan. I never want him to grow up!

And why does no one really let you know how difficult marriage can be? John and I are complete opposites. Like from different ends of the universe. And we are both passionate and we are both full of fire. And I know that the fire we share is going to make us diamonds, but sometimes it just feels like it’s incinerating us.

We always get through and we love each other fiercely.

We have been through hell. Again, and again and again. He is my one and only and my One True Love. I am his. And it is fine, and I am not saying there is anything wrong with our marriage, because I don’t know that there is. I think we are just in the fire. And I think we are ebbing into the part where the fire is warm and crackling and comforting and we are sipping hot chocolate and it’s wonderful and toasty, but before it was…not that.

Hot-Chocolate-1

I love that even though we have those epic firestorms, we can come together again and sort it out. I love that no matter what, we are in this and we aren’t going to give up. I really love that.

So, now we are here again, in the fire and Christmas is upon us, and we can’t help but think of Joy, and there are some December days when I wonder if I will be able to get through it and there are other days when my heart soars and I feel so close to Heaven that it doesn’t hurt the same way.

And who knows what the 25th will be like? It’s scary, this part. The holidays. Not knowing how it will be. Hoping it will be wonderful. Fearing that it will, and that you will feel guilty for not having a bad day. But we will go forward with faith and know that it will all be alright.

Joy's Last Christmas

Joy’s Last Christmas

I love Christmas. I love that it’s helping me begin again. Even in the midst of my pain, I can’t help but feel that wonderfulness that Jesus was born a baby and there is something so beautiful about that.

Christmas!

Isn’t it wonderful that because He lived a perfect life, I will see Joy again?

That we can try again if this Christmas doesn’t turn out wonderfully? That there is always hope? That we never have to give up? That there is forgiveness?

And that His healing light and love can make it so the burning fire doesn’t incinerate but purifies us til we are pure? Isn’t it all so amazing?

So in my grief, I still rejoice.