choose joy

remembering Joy in how I choose to live

the death of winter

It's been unseasonably warmish here this February. The other day the kids wanted to eat popsicles outside. Okay, it's not that warm, but whenever my kids see a patch of blue sky and sunshine, if the temperature is above 40 in February, it's summer to them. And they...

eleven weeks and growing up (or not)

He is eleven weeks old. It seems like forever ago. I actually had a breakdown today. I just want to be normal again. I said to no one in particular, as I looked in the mirror at my haggard face and interesting body shape. I haven't bounced back, even though I really...

back to the beginning

I am back in Utah. Back to the beginning of when I started to really write. It feels strange. I think it's funny how I kept feeling like everything was different--but it's not Utah that's different--it's me who has changed. Going back to the ocean was good for me. I...

going north

I wish she would grow up. She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as...

badger creek

The last summer of Joy's life, we spent a lot of time at Badger Creek, BYU Idaho's Outdoor Learning Facility. It's a 250 acre ranch in Tetonia. I always felt great there because it felt safe. Not like the other places in Targhee where I felt like bears were watching...

excavation

I went to look at plans for our home today. We talked about closets and doors and wood and tile and elevations and drystack and insulation. I have to admit that sometimes I just nodded and had no idea what they were talking about. It's like they were speaking...

Deliverance

On this day five years ago, I was laboring to give birth to my son, Ephraim. It was a three day event. I birthed him at home. It was wonderful and painful. It was probably the closest I will ever get to understanding real pain. It was excrutiating. It was painful...

a happy thing

It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just...

More Than Conquerors

I am taking part in a worldwide campaign to share a celebration of Easter and how Jesus Christ has changed the world. This is a slightly edited version of something I wrote last year. In the midst of my wondering about life and death and Joy--I came to the conclusion...

how did it happen?

When I talk to people about Joy and her dying, the first thing most people ask, without even really thinking about it is: How did it happen? I don't know if it's just human nature or an involuntary reflex, but that is what people say. And, at first, I was so...

i would give it away…

I want to read through General Conference. This time, especially, it filled me like rain on parched ground. As I get older, time flies, but the time between conferences seems almost too long these days....Maybe because it is my lower light, and I am out in the storm,...