feeling stumpy

Saturday was a good day.  I took a shower and I was able to get to the sitting room for twenty minutes.  The pain level wasn’t too bad, and I even tried to walk to the kitchen to hang out with my husband, who was making lunch.

That was overachieving, and he suggested that I should get back to bed.

It was hard for me to admit that he was right.

I have to admit that I did get pretty excited when people liked the idea that the Spirit gave me about color coding place values to teach three digit multiplication. I had been somewhat nervous to post about teaching math because it is my weakest subject. However, since I had nothing else to do at that particular time, I decided to be brave. It was fun to see other people being able to benefit from my post and pinning it.

For a moment, I had a small taste of how all those really amazing crafty lady bloggers must feel all the time.

And then I realized that it’s probably a good thing I am not crafty and amazing that way, because it might go to my head.  I would almost certainly become vain.

It was nice to feel like I could do something positive and helpful for others this weekend, because Sunday was discouraging.

I had some setbacks, and my doctor and husband both think it was the change in temperature and weather (my major problem is the pressure in my head, so any change in pressure alters the way I feel).  I also spent far too much time visiting with my children.

I knew it was too much.  The nausea, even with the anti-nausea medication was reaching epic proportions, and my pain level was skyrocketing even with my medication for pain.

But, I couldn’t tell them to leave.

They were just so happy to be talking with me after all this time.  Finally, I felt like I was going to pass out, so I told my husband I needed a moment, and they left.

After that, we decided on a plan that they can come in for a timed visit right after I take my pain medication, and usually not all at once.

I also started having a hard time concentrating and I think the hardest thing for me was trying not to panic, but realizing it was a temporary setback and not a permanent state.

I tried not to cry, because crying hurts too much, but my heart was sobbing.

Mercifully, I was able to sleep. And when I woke up, I found myself praying for help.

(And, I felt so proud because that’s my One Word for the year.)

I happened to feel prompted to look up Mormon Messages, and this is the one I was prompted to watch:

And even though it hurt a little more, the tears flowed freely.  Which was good.  I think I needed to cry a little.

Today I have had to rest without really talking to anyone.  I know it’s just a temporary setback, and I am starting to feel a bit better, but I do have a struggle thinking that “temporary” should mean 15 minutes, not whatever it is going to mean for me.

I am so very thankful to a Father in Heaven who answers prayers so beautifully, and reminded me that even though He has cut me down, it is only to make me into something beautiful and much more grand than I can possibly realize.

But I have to admit that yesterday and today I just feel kind of–stumpy.  Like the currant bush did. But, I have never been more thankful to be able to click a button and find personal messages from Heavenly Father through the prophets and apostles and authorities of the church, like this:

No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire. –Elder Orson F. Whitney

And this:

We must be careful that we don’t resent the very things that help us put on the divine nature. –Paul V. Johnson, “More Than Conquerors Through Him That Loved Us”

And this, which was particularly poignant to me:

In the past two years, I have waited upon the Lord for mortal lessons to be taught me through periods of physical pain, mental anguish, and pondering. I learned that constant, intense pain is a great consecrating purifier that humbles us and draws us closer to God’s Spirit. If we listen and obey, we will be guided by His Spirit and do His will in our daily endeavors…

On a few occasions, I told the Lord that I had surely learned the lessons to be taught and that it wouldn’t be necessary for me to endure any more suffering.

Such entreaties seemed to be of no avail, for it was made clear to me that this purifying process of testing was to be endured in the Lord’s time and in the Lord’s own way.

It is one thing to teach, “Thy will be done.” It is another to live it.

I also learned that I would not be left alone to meet these trials and tribulations but that guardian angels would attend me. There were some that were near angels in the form of doctors, nurses, and most of all my sweet companion, Mary. And on occasion, when the Lord so desired, I was to be comforted with visitations of heavenly hosts that brought comfort and eternal reassurances in my time of need. –Elder Robert D. Hales, “The Covenant of Baptism” October 2000 General Conference

I am reassured that my faith and hope are not in vain, and that this will help me to put on the divine nature, to be a better, deeper, more compassionate mother, and to be a kinder, more patient and loving wife.  When I rise above the pain and the frustration of the moment, I can clearly see that I will be able to have empathy and love for others, and that I will be a better sister, daughter, and woman.

So, it’s okay to feel stumpy for now.  I am going to be made more divine.

Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family.  We can feel them and are so thankful for them. I feel them like butterflies flitting around quietly bringing peace and beauty into our lives…

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Tagged as: being lds, insights