My life is going to be different!
I am excited!
I got a letter from my friend Jo (who I mentioned the other day). Her father was a physician, and he said it takes three years for a woman to recover from having a baby.
That means that I am now allotted the next 36 years for rest and recovery!
So, of course, my first thought is that I should technically be able to move back to Idaho right now. It’s my refuge. My fortress.
But then I remembered that I am not ice right now. I am trying to be vapor.
(Vapor, by the way, is also much quieter than ice. Something I need to work on. Ice can crack, sounding like a cannon shot. I don’t know if it’s ever been researched, but I consider it a fact that ice makes a noise, akin to the sound of snow falling, that is so immense that you almost think you can’t hear it.
I have ice mastered. I am loud and immense. Vapor does not really make a lot of noise, does it? Maybe that’s why I have to be vapor now. To learn the art of being quiet. That will take a long time, I think. It may never happen.)
You know, Dickens was right when he wrote, “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Sometimes I am in complete astonishment at how something really awful can generate so much that is good and right and beautiful.
I am going to write about my interesting journey into understanding a big part of how my life is different in my next post. At the risk of sounding foolish, I am using a Disney analogy. It can’t be helped.
Disney is helping me to walk again. And, I figured a lot of this out while at the Magic Kingdom looking up at Cinderella’s castle, so it’s to be expected. I hope you all will forgive me when you read it.
Also, who is in the mood for more of my somewhat know-it-all sounding homeschooling posts?
I want to write about that particular subject again, because I think it’s something people are wondering about right now in the internet universe. (At least in the part I frequent.) Education is a hard thing to comprehend these days. It is hard to figure out if you are doing a good job or not. Plus, in typical woman fashion, we tend to make it more complicated than it actually is.
Just because it’s important doesn’t mean it has to be complicated and stressful. It can be fun. And simple. And uncomplicated.
Oh, the places I am going to go! My life is unfolding in a bizarre way that I really should have expected. After all, it’s me we are talking about.
For example, it may interest some of you to know that I am actually attempting a novel. Nothing fancy, just a short little fantasy novel for my children and their cousins–something akin to Harry Potter but without so many adjectives. My sister also told me I was a little like Jo, from Little Women, too. Which made me feel better because lately I have been feeling more like this:
I actually finished most of the character profiles for my novel before I had a complete SMeE meltdown this week.
My sister told me I was very much like Anne Shirley, too, so I suppose a quote as to how I felt at the beginning of this week might be in order:
“You’re not eating anything,” said Marilla sharply, eying her as if it were a serious shortcoming. Anne sighed.
“I can’t. I’m in the depths of despair. Can you eat when you are in the depths of despair?”
“I’ve never been in the depths of despair, so I can’t say,” responded Marilla.
“Weren’t you? Well, did you ever try to IMAGINE you were in the depths of despair?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Then I don’t think you can understand what it’s like. It’s very uncomfortable feeling indeed. When you try to eat a lump comes right up in your throat and you can’t swallow anything, not even if it was a chocolate caramel.”
Yes, I had one of the worst weeks ever. But, I also learned so many things! It was really one of the best weeks since I got sick, even though I was in unremitting, severe pain. I am telling you, it was amazing. I feel like a new woman.
I let go.
I had to say goodbye to Joy in a way that is hard to explain. Moving away from where she is buried was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. Of course, I will be back, but now I am not, and one reason I think we are in Florida is so I could really say goodbye.
I love her so much that I felt like if I really moved forward with my life, I was somehow being unfaithful to her. Oh, I moved forward with all the necessary things, but deep down I was still there, back in time where she was with me. Deep down, I was so–done. I was just biding my time in the mortal experience that really, to me, felt kind of like a big jail cell (although a very nice one)–until I could really be done and just be with her again.
I am taking my girls to the Magic Kingdom on Saturday. I am terrified! Of course, my sister is going with me in case I have to rent a wheelchair midway through our adventure.
But, it has been so long since we played together. Everything seems to be about taking care of the babies, taking care of mom, going to the doctor, hospital visits, surviving.
Not this Saturday. This Saturday, it’s going to be about magic and wishes and dreams and a little silliness and make-believe.
This Saturday, I will feel Joy and I will breathe and laugh, even if I do it through some tears. I can feel it. I am so nervous about my physical ability to do this, but I know I need to do this.
I need to play with my girls and cast fear aside.
I need to be happy that I can feel Joy even if I can’t touch her–and have faith that it can be enough, with the help of kind Heaven.
(And a little pixie dust thrown in for good measure.)
I feel like I could fly! (Because even if I end up in Jazzy, let me tell you, I can fly in that fabulous Electric Wheelchair!)
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